Hermione Isn't Easily Impressed
by evyfleur
Summary: Struck by inspiration, I quickly wrote this songfic of Shania Twain's "That don't Impress Me Much" in the pov of our dear Herms...well, it's an attempt at humor. Please read and review!


**Author's Note:** This is a one chapter songfic/filk for those who like them. It's supposed to be funny, but I don't know how well that works in my fics. Please read and review if you like it. Any flames will be used to roast Voldie and WB associates on a stick. Thank you!

**Disclaimer:** This is not my song, this is Shania Twain's "That Don't Impress Me Much" which is a very funny song, I must say. I thank her and J.K.Rowling the creator of all things Potter for my inspiration. I must be going no, though, no more rambling. I have a DTWB (Death to Warner Brothers) meeting in five minutes. 

**_Hermione Isn't Easily Impressed_**

            One morning the 5th year boys in Gryffindor awoke to realize that they only had one goal in mind for that particular Saturday. They wanted to find out who Hermione liked.

            "It's been a mystery for way too long! Even Parvati and Lavender have told us who they fancy!" Seamus exclaimed, looking around him for support.

            "I hate to say this, but they like someone different every three days, I don't think it matters that much," Harry replied dully, getting up out of bed and stumbling into the bathroom with his toothbrush.

            Neville, however, seemed greatly intrigued by this topic, and pleaded to them all.

            "Oh, but come on! It would be so fun. At least we would know. I mean, Ron, wouldn't you like to know who she likes?"

            Ron gave a loud snore and kicked Neville in the head.

            "Ow!"

            But Seamus had an idea to get Ron to wake up. 

            "She's probably just infatuated with Viktor Krum; we don't even have to try the potion on her."

            Ron sprang up in his bed with an anxious look. "Is it ready? When can we try it?" 

            "At lunch, as breakfast is already over. But we have to prepare it first," said Dean. He and Seamus exchanged gleeful expressions. Ron looked overwrought by this conclusion. 

            "It will take that long? Well, we'd better get a move on, then!"

He quickly dressed, pulling on a pair of jeans and a Weasley sweater, along with two socks which didn't match each other. Neville began to write down the names they were going to ask her, since the potion only worked on a yes/no answer basis. Ron, Harry, Dean, and Seamus all worked together in order to get the potion right. This, however, resulted in utter chaos in which double portions of most of the ingredients were poured in along with dried spiders instead of dried nettles (that was Seamus's fault). But in the end, they had some sort of version of the color it was supposed to be. A turquoise was close enough to midnight blue, they decided. 

            Then they went downstairs to lunch, where Hermione and Ginny were sitting and discussing review tips for Flitwick's Charms test that was tomorrow. The boys ambled over, trying to look innocent. Smiling and whistling, they sat down around the two girls. Hermione looked at them suspiciously.

            "What are you boys planning now? You scare me sometimes, you know that?"

            "What are you talking about Mione? We wouldn't try to plan anything! I mean" Ron tried to keep speaking as Harry emptied the bottle of potion into Hermione's goblet and Neville clamped his hand over Ginny's mouth as she tried to tell Hermione what was happening. Hermione was paying attention to Ron's unceasing ramblings now, though. 

            "Uh, I mean, you know we've always been completely honest towards you because you're a very, um nice person, and, uh, you're really smart, and, why don't we just breakfast eat? I mean, eat breakfast…uh, I mean, eat lunch!" He laughed uncomfortably and Hermione looked at him as though he belonged at St. Mungo's. He gave a false smile and lifted his goblet in an invisible toast. 

            She remembered her own meal now, and also lifted the goblet to her lips. She turned back to speak to Ginny, but Ginny was gone…hmm.

            "Where did Ginny go?"

            "She had a stomachache," Dean said shortly. Hermione gave him a confused look.

            "Anyway, Hermione, you see, we had a couple of questions for you about who you, er, ah, like," said Harry, clearing his throat and taking the list from Neville.

            "Do you like Viktor Krum?"

            "No." 

Ron did a victory leap at this and sat back down quickly to listen. "Do you like Seamus?"

            "No."

"Do you like Neville?"

            "No."

"Do you like Dean?"

            "No."

"Do you like Bill Weasley?"

            "No."

"Do you like either of the twins?"

            "No."

"Do you like Percy?"

            Hermione jumped up suddenly after a bite of toast. Her eyes became wild, a smile appeared on her face, and she strode across the Great Hall to Percy, who had randomly apparated there. A fast tune was suddenly struck up by a snap of her thumb, coming from the statues and suits of armor, it seemed.

"Ow!"

The boys started to sing without control over their own voices: "Ah ah ah-ah!"

"Uh huh yeah yeah!" she continued.

"Ah ah ah-ah!"

            She approached the boy formerly known as Weatherby and started telling him what she thought of him:

"I've known a few guys who thought that they were pretty smart

But you've got cauldron thickness down to an art

You got twelve O.W.L.s; it drives me, up the wall.

You're a regular, original, Preee-feeecct

Ooh oh you think you're magical,

Ooh oh you think you're something else,

Okay, so you were Head Boy

That doesn't impress me much

So you've got the rules but haven't got the touch,

Well, don't get me wrong, yeah I think you're alright

But that won't keep me warm in the middle of the night,

That doesn't impress me much."

Collin Creevey took pictures of her choreography, saying, "Wow, she doesn't even use incorrect grammar with Shania Twain! That's amazing!"

The chorus boys began once again. "Ah ah ah-ah!"

"Uh huh yeah yeah!"

"Ah ah ah-ah!"

Now she turned from Percy, who was looking rather put out at her comments, and she now turned to the Slytherin table, where Draco Malfoy and his cronies were sitting. She sat down beside him and started singing.

"I never knew a guy who could've passed for a ferret

And maybe even a snake, just in case

Well all that extra hold gel in your blonde hair ought to lock it,

Because Salazar forbid it should fall out of place!

Ooh oh you think you're magical,

Ooh oh you think you're something else,

Okay, so you're a Malfoy

"That doesn't impress me much,

So you've got pure blood but haven't the touch,

Now don't get me wrong yeah sometimes you're alright

But that won't keep me warm in the middle of the night.

That doesn't impress me much."

Hermione looked smug about her description of him as Malfoy made furious moves towards her, but his friends held him back, watching her in blank stupidity. Hermione broke into a refrain, dancing crazily around the Great Hall, all the houses and even the faculty watching her as she addressed the last person.

"Ow!"

"Ah ah ah-ah!" 

"Yeah!"

"Ah ah ah-ah!"

"Woo!"

            Hermione walked towards Harry to tell him her two cents about what he deserved. He looked quite frightened at her verdict. Ron, too, looked very apprehensive of what it could be.

"You're one of those guys who has to save everything,

You make me half-lose my life before you let me be your friend.

I can't believe you kiss Hedwig good-night!

Now come on baby tell me, you're just enchanting, right?

Ooh you think you're magical,

Ooh you think you're the only one.

Okay, so you're the Boy-Who-Lived

That doesn't impress me much

So you've got the scar but haven't got the touch,

Now don't get me wrong yeah you've saved my life,

But that won't keep me warm in the middle of the night,

That doesn't impress me much.

You have a fan club but haven't got the touch

Na-na don't get me wrong yeah I think you're alright

But that won't keep me warm in the lonely, cold, Gryffindor tower…

That doesn't impress me much."

"Ah ah ah-ah!"

"Uh huh yeah yeah!"

"Ah ah ah-ah!" 

"Okay, so what do think, you're Ron, or something?"

She laughed and turned away from Harry, who had a confused look on his face. Instead, she pulled Ron up from where he was sitting and gave him a very long kiss indeed. Then she let him go so he could continue to sing the chorus. Ron gave a victory leap and then sat down quickly to sing.

"Ah ah ah-ah!"

"That doesn't impress me much!"

"Ah ah ah-ah!"

"Oh no!"

"Ah ah ah-ah!"

"That doesn't impress me much!"

"Ah ah ah-ah!"

"Oh no!"

"Ah ah ah-ah!"

"Ah-ow!"

"Ah ah ah-ah!"

"Yeaaaaaaahhh!"

"Ah ah ah-ah!"

"Woo!"

"Ah ah ah-ah!"

"Oh, ah-ah now!

"Alright alright,

You're Oliver Wood!

Cedric Diggory, maybe…

Gilderoy Lockhart…

Whatever!

Uh-uh."

            She sat back down at the Gryffindor table again, regaining her composure and acting as if nothing happened. The rest of the boys looked astonished.

            "Was that supposed to happen?" Dean whispered to Neville.

            "I don't think so, but I don't want to be here when she realizes what she just did." 

            Harry, Dean, Seamus, and Neville looked at each other in fear and jumped up from the table to flee the Great Hall. Ron stayed. He leaned over and said to her,

            "You didn't really take a sip from that goblet."

            She winked at him and with a mischievous smile, took another bite of toast.

_~Evyfleur_


End file.
